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I’ve had feelings over the same boy since sept- feb of last/this year.. 11 months since I moved away from my nearly “perfect” room mate, and I still feel like I fucked up. damn it, as I type, “Harvest Moon” by Neil Young is playing. Coincidence? ugh, he was totally my type. He travels, he’s spiritual, smart, curious, and poetic. He’s exactly who I wanted to be with. I can’t shake this feeling off. I have never met anyone like him, and still to this day, haven’t met anyone else like him.
I don’t know… if I meet another guy like him, I think I’m going to have to pursue him a little more… show more interest. because, I seriously feel like I should’ve been a little more open to him, let him now I liked him.
Christ, 2 months ago he was living an hour away from me, and now he’s living in British Columbia. More than halfway across the country. I could’ve been with him in London, and went with him in B.C and lived a little. I could’ve experienced things out of my comfort zone, and had many stories to tell, let alone the comfort of being with him.
As a virgin, I know he would’ve made me feel good, and made me feel fine about letting loose. I know he was nearly the “non-judgemental” type. Once I would’ve gotten past the awkward part of “love” we would’ve been great for each other.. even if it would’ve been for only a few months or years together, he would’ve been great for me.
I’m not the traditional type, not the type to impose marriage on another person, even to the point of a relationship to have intimate feeling towards another person, but I would’ve enjoyed time with him. To learn, to grow. Even if it were only for a few months. I just wanted to know him, and hang out.
I’ve got insecurities, I’ve got doubts. But I’d like to have at least one relationship and lose my virginity before I’m 25. I fucking hate how shocked people get when I tell them I’ve never ever hugged a boy, before. I want to get it done and over with, so people stop judging me, but all at the same time with a boy who I truly like and have lots in common with, who is also attractive to me…. long dark haired, and facial hard… how fucking hard can it be?
Maybe that is part of me spending an hour and a half at the track walking/jogging at a time every couple days, now…. 207 lbs must be too unattractive to most boys my type these days… but, also, I find myself feeling incredible self-conscience not being 150 pounds, or whatever… I look in the mirror sometimes and don’t mind my face, but other times I find myself disgusted with the way I look… and when I shower and get out and see my skin, I often want to throw the mirror out the window. who the fuck wants to date a girl with an egg shaped stomach, with stretch marks, muffin top, and big thighs, and a fat ass? let alone the shitty low self-confidence that comes with it? fuck.
when I stepped on my dad’s scale the other day and found out in less that 3 weeks I gained 7 pounds, it made me think “wow, 250 pounds isn’t that far away, and 300 lbs isn’t far from that”. I hope to gods my new found dieting plan will work.
It become a shitty reality when in your 21 years, only 2 guys ever, has ever tried to pursue you. even shittier when you didn’t put any effort towards accepting their love….
So, Joey had recently messaged me on fb. I had posted a video from the Zeitgeist movement about religions, and shared a photo of a Sikh girl with facial hair (how she’s spiritually evolved to not take offence to people making fun of her). He had liked the photo, and messaged me about the video. He sent me a video about the biggest lie in history; religion taught by Santos Bonacci. I responded back to him.
Today, I received a reply back from him :)
I was pretty happy to hear back from him, and I really hope to keep up the conversation. Who knows, maybe someday he’ll pass through my town, and we could meet up.
Maybe he could sweep me away from this town, and open my eyes to this world. Travel with him, work on organic farms together — live in a yurt.
He makes my head spin and my heart flutter like crazy… never liked a guy this much before.
his name is Joey.
When I first saw him, I knew he was a stoner. Long chestnut brown hair and a goatee, he was so good looking I was immediately attracted to him - he was totally my type.
I got to know him a few weeks into being his room mate. He was a really nice guy, very mellow. He loved the outdoors, and being active. He dressed modestly, nothing fancy but not low class. Deep voice, sexy as hell. I couldn’t believe I had him as a room mate.
He was a very spiritual guy, and he talked about love, and how everything was love. He talked so much about it. He spoke so poetically, it was so beautiful. He didn’t speak it to get laid, he spoke it because he felt it. He was so genuine. The way he spoke was so deep and wonderful, that I cannot shake it off. When I read beautiful writing, I think of him. I’d never met a guy, who spoke of such. He was so different.
I see lots of good looking men around, but none of them have the appeal of Joey. None of them have that personality. I feel like I screwed up so horribly, here.
Joey complimented me. He’d said, “if you go to the bar, I’ll definitely buy you a drink”, when we first got to know each other, and also when we went out back and smoked a J together he said, ”I like that jacket you have on, it looks really good on you”. The way he looked at me when we’d talk for hours straight, or when he’d show me something and we were only half a foot between each other, him, facing inwards towards me. Or, when he told me how Harvest Moon was the first Neil Young song he heard, that his Dad played it for him.. a special song of his, that he let me in on his secret. He was the only person I talked to about spirituality. He understood. I felt comfortable to tell him my feelings.
On my last night at the house, before I dropped out of college we hung out in his room, together. He told me how he was glad he met me, and to stay in touch on facebook. When he had to go to sleep, he stood there, saying, again how it was great to know each other.. he was going to give me a hug… maybe even a kiss. But, I was my typical self and avoided even the hug.
I regret it so much. I didn’t even allow a hug. I wanted that hug, but me, have the low confidence and social awkwardness that I’ve attained over time, never allowed that to happen. I didn’t let him hug me. It was just us two. Dan, who’d been smoking with us 20 minutes prior had left.. so we could’ve hugged, or have a kiss. We were in private. We could’ve had our moment.
I’ve been thinking about this so much. Especially since just over a week ago, he message’d me about a video on fb I posted, and liked a photo I posted… I would like to talk to him once in a while… maybe one day meet up or something. I’ve never, ever felt this stongly about a guy.. and it really does sadden me that I fucked it all up. The opportunity was there, and the only reason it never happened was because of my insecurities. The only guy I’ve been thinking of, is him. When I think of losing weight, so I feel comfortable to date, I only think of him.
I don’t even know. What I do know, is that my “standard” of guy is going to have to fit his criteria, because he’s what I’ve always imagined of being nearly a perfect fit for me.. that if I never get to date him, that whoever I do date in the future is going to have to have a similar personality….. I just never knew such a person could exist, as Joey.
I get so frustrated when my friends ignore interesting conversational subjects I try to bring up. I am to the point where I have learned to shut up after a little blurb about government, or UFOs, ancient civilizations, or anything in the news. My friends find it boring, and they say “oh you, you’re so silly”. It makes me so upset. I know I am heaps more mature than they are, as they would rather talk about One Direction, or MTV tv shows, or high school drama. I find that junk exactly that; junk.
Not one of my friends enjoy any of my music taste, and they enjoy making fun of it or call it “boring”. I don’t try to shove it down their throats, like they often try to do with me. I have so much musical energy built up sometimes.. no wonder I have a tumblr page, where people like me can obsess together about classic rock, because we’re all oppressed by the rest of this generation whose been hypnotized by commercialized auto tuned pop by government standard.
None of my friends like any movies I’m into. One friend loves high school bitchfest movies, and G rated movies, and the others just don’t care to watch anything I like, they of course, too are “boring” movies. I hate having to sit through a movie that I find very stereotypical, judgemental, and materialistic. My personal beliefs are against all that, so I find very little joy in movies promoting the opposite of which I believe in. But I don’t bother telling them that, they simply won’t hear it, even if I said it very loudly. Maybe it would work if I made a tv commercial about it, with a jingle — but that’s useless too, as they don’t think about the words they all sing.
I guess its mostly my problem, because I took it upon myself to become aware of the propaganda, advertising schemes, and lies from the media, that was to purposely create division in our society. I have a hard time liking music because I know 85% of what’s on the radio these days are not genuine song lyrics, and that the bands just want to be rich and famous.. they’re not interested in making beautiful music, just profit. I do have a hard time liking movies because most movies don’t have an overall positive message, promoting peace and happiness.
I have a hard time conversing with people period now, because I am too self-conscience about boring people with my interests, but I have a hard time talking about their interests because I don’t listen/watch what they’re into because I simply don’t care. That is my mental opinion, and I wish I could say it as much as I wanted; “I don’t care”.
I don’t care about Jersey Shore.
I don’t care about Nicki Minaj.
I don’t care about the iPhone 4s.
I don’t care about Barack Obama.
I don’t care about Justin Beiber.
I don’t care about Family Channel.
I don’t care about Democrats vs Republicans.
I don’t care about Kristen Stewart cheating on Rob Pattinson.
I don’t care about H&M.
I don’t care about Twitter.
I don’t care about dinner parties.
I don’t care about having a couple million dollars.
I don’t care about having a mansion.
I don’t care about drinking coke because their commercials are better.
I just don’t care. I do not give any fucks about trends. I have never been trendy, I have never given a fuck if I am popular, and I don’t ever care to be. I am not hip, or cool. I don’t even try to be. I just want to be me. I know who I am, what I’m into, what I’d like to do.. I know that if had the confidence to evolve into the person I want to be, spiritually, that I would be an overall happy person who would also make other people happy just by being around me.
But I find it ever so difficult to do, when I’ve got no one to listen to me, to make me feel interesting, funny, and captivating.. confident. Instead, I am so very often, completely ignored. Subjects get changed almost immediately when I speak, people talk over me. I speak, and people take out their cell phones and text other people, or, if they are a little more polite they will not text people but rather nod, and give body language that they just want me to finish what I’m say, so they can talk about something trivial. How does that make me feel? Completely unimportant, and very self-conscience, and self doubting, pessimistic.
As of lately, I feel that all my responses are so fucking dry, repetitive, unoriginal and on cue. I hate it, and I would absolutely never want to hang out with “me” if I was someone else. I don’t know how my friends can stand it, but they do. I feel like its better to respond like this, than to dare to talk about anything interesting.
I am really starting to hate this. I usually would rather stay home and be myself than go out and act like.. I don’t even know the word. But I want it to stop. I want to have normal conversations with people, not just a one sentence reply, stupid small talk. what the fuck is wrong, why has things come to this? I absolutely know I whole-heartily miss having 2 - 5 hour long conversations with my old best friend, Jess. I miss it, miss it, miss it, miss it, miss it, miss it…..
I have been thinking about that friendship a lot more recently. How she was by far, the very best friend I have ever had in my life. It wasn’t a very long friendship, but for the less than 2 years that I knew her, you would’ve figured we’d grown up together since childhood. We knew each other so well, we had such similar interests, we used to go to record shops and hippie stores together. We had sleepovers almost every week, and had never once gotten into a fight. It was the ultimate worse thing about moving away from Kingston. I had never had such a connection to a human being ever in my life before or after I met Jess. It is a shame, that we don’t talk anymore.
What really hurts about that friendship, is that I wish I had a friendship with that deep of a connection now. I think I really need someone to talk to all day and night, because I have so many things to work through, and if there was someone dealing with a similar situation, we could both help each other out. We could have long deep discussions about music, movies, conspiracies, government, ancient civilizations, spirituality, traveling, boys, living healthy, and helping each other overcome things about ourselves we wish to change. Someone who I can be 100% myself around, so much that my confidence is high, where I could feel good enough to do anything.
It’s nothing sexual, and that person could be male or female.. I often think it would be a girl, just because that fangirl part of me is pretty strong. I KNOW there are people out there who I could have this kind of a friendship with, and I so badly want to meet this person/people. I believe it is vital for me to grow as a person, to get the focus I talk about. Someone who calling me up to ask to hangout turns into a half hour chat. Someone who I want to hang out with almost every day because being around them is just awesome, instead of being an oblatory thing.
-As of this moment - my biggest wish is that I meet this person. I will be patient, but I want to meet you. I need to meet you. I will apologize now, to my friends for when the time comes when I meet my new friend, because I know I will upset them by not hanging out with them, but my new “soul mate” more, instead. I apologize because I think they will be angry. I think I will be so happy to meet this person, that my emotions will show (even if I try to hide them) and that my friends will be jealous, and dislike my friend. That an animosity will form. I feel in my gut, that that will be the moment where my BFF cuts off communication with me, as he did with my other BFF, and other friends of his in the past. I will try to have the approach where the friendship kind of just ‘fades’ and no hard feelings are felt. He does speak about moving away from here next year, so that might be the best time for this change.
Ultimately, I feel like the “two best friends” relationship is on the way. I don’t feel like it will be the “three best friends” but I could be wrong. Whatever happens, I am just ready to meet someone new, who I really bond with. I have been wanting a strong new friendship for about 8 months now, and that urge is becoming stronger and stronger to find.
I think starting this month, I will head downtown get a coffee and wander into the record store and try to meet new people. I think in order to meet this new person, there needs to be effort on my part.. maybe ‘approachability’ is where there effort lies within me..
I think I’ll buy a few more gemstones to keep me on track with this wish of mine…
that I had someone to talk to, that genuinely cared to listen.
I have a best friend who I love dearly, but telling him my problems is just like talking to a brick wall. He shakes his head in agreement, looks bored, and the responses are so minimal. I have no one else to talk to, the rest of my friends are not as close as me and my bff, so I’m really just left alone to my own thoughts. I have rekindled an old friendship though, so maybe my other friend could go for a coffee with me sometime… we used to be each others ‘buffer’ when put into awkward situations, she’s really my last hope of anyone I know listening.
Talking to my family is useless, and I have no siblings. My mom has so many issues herself, that there’s no point in talking to her about it. If I talked to my dad, I am certain he’d mention I should talk to a therapist. It really sucks, I really do feel alone.
I have felt alone for over a year now, and the odd thing is, I never cry about it. I find that so strange.. I do think one day I will probably make up for it and bawl my eyes out for a very long time. I guess I just need to come to a very real realization, an epiphany. I realize I am not living life the way I want to, I know what I want but I let my anxiety, shyness and awkwardness get in the way of doing anything. I just want things to change. I hate it, I want to change so badly.. but I must not have hit a bottom yet, because even though I want to change, I never have motivation. I am lazy, and that is my own damn fault.
I need to change soon. I am 21, and this is supposed to be some of the best years in life, and I am just sitting around on my computer, and sticking to myself. Half the time when my friends ask me to hang out, I make excuses and rather stay home. I feel so terrible.. I do believe having time to yourself is absolutely fine, but if you don’t hang out with people, you’ll lose all your friends, and I am scared they’ll just say ‘to hell with you’, if I don’t hangout with them enough, idk. See, I over think a lot.
I really need to get my shit together, get rid of my anxiety and start living life.
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